My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet