The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
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Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am