Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
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In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.