Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
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*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
If snakes were wide
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.