Not today
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I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
lmao
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
all bases covered
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.