but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
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My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Not helping
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Yup….perfect score!
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.