(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I can’t stop laughing at this
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
screw you
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.