I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I laughed at this way too hard.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.