While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
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My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”