The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
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A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.