“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Worst bar ever.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I just tested negative for patience.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂