Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
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I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.