[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
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My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.