even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
You Might Also Like
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
😂 amazing answer
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank