him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”