That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
You Might Also Like
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.