Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
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My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.