Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???