The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
You Might Also Like
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Brilliant!
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
#StillHurts
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.