*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
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i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.