[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
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Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?