Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
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The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people