Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
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i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Battery falling down a hole
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.