In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Best mom ever 😂
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.