If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
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You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Happens to everyone.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah