Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
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Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
…żyje?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…