This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute