Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
i did the math
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there