after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
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waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day