No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
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I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
This checks out
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.