Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
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If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
*sewing*
A thread
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous