I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
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You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
From my Mom
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule