guys I’m going home
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I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
im all 3
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.