It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
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[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.