I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)