Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
They’re called werewolves.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did