Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Two types of dogs.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.