Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.