I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
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Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
they should invent a hydrating liquor
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people