Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
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museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*