Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.