Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one