Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
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It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Woke up against my better judgment again
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Goat cheese is for herders.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My guardian angel deserves a raise