Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky