I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
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Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Noah
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Friday
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars