My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
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Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Every photo I’m tagged in
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal