Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
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I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.