5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
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Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.