I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid