Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
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Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Yup!
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad